The Top Ten Things You Should Know about M2

M2 is known by several names: Mark Raikes II (on his birth certificate-it’s too long and he rarely uses it except at church and formal ceremonies), M2, and Deux. When he wants it to be really simple, he just goes by II. Commit this to memory. We will never speak of this again.  

1. Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer and M2 are all best friends. If anyone would ever get in a jam and need one of the others to com to his rescue . . . Oh wait, I gotta stop laughing, I almost peed. Like any one of them would ever get in a jam he couldn’t get out of all by himself. Yeah, now that’s funny. Really, they just get together for a beer once in a while and talk about “justice”.

2. The K-BaR, the deadliest weapon known to man, is just a secret accronym for Chuck, Jack and Mark II. The military came up with it by using the 5th letter from each of their names: chucK, jack B And mark R. If you tell anyone, you will be getting a visit. You DO NOT want to get a visit.

3. M2 has never paid taxes. The I.R.S. sends him their W-2 form with a check. And a thank you note.

4. Chuck Norris kills people with his roundhouse kick. Jack Bauer uses his bare hands. M2 just looks at you with those eyes. Then you die.

5. Inside Mark II beats the heart of a lion. I’m not being fiugrative here. He went to Africa, found the biggest, baddest, fiercest, meanest lion that ever existed and swallowed it whole. The heart is still beating.

6. M2 has never been stabbed, shot, or tatooed. His skin cannot be penetrated.

7. When Duex has to kill someone it’s because they are really, really stupid, or dumbass jerks. He’s doing us all a favor.

8. There is no record of Deux’s fingerprints anywhere in the world. He would rather take off his hands than take off his gloves.

9. When Deux gives an ass kicking, it never has to be kicked again. The substance commonly referred to as “space debris” are really some of those asses.

10. M2′s cell phone never rings. If he wants to talk to you, he just looks at his cell phone, and you will be on the line waiting for him.

And just FYI, when Mike is a mega-superstar in the Big’s, on bobble head day, instead of  The Penney bobble head doll, he’ll insist that they first commission the The M2 bobblehead.